


A rainy night

by Devennove



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, Illyrian, Kissing, Love, Nessian - Freeform, POV Nesta Archeron, POV Third Person, Rain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25405612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devennove/pseuds/Devennove
Summary: During her and Cassian's trip to the Illyrian camp, Nesta has to deal with a lot of stuff. One night, after a bad nightmare, Cassian comforts her and she finally faces her feelings. But how deep are her wounds?
Relationships: Nesta Archeron & Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	A rainy night

She was running, faster and faster through the woods, trying to escape the shadows that chased her. The trees were tall and dense, the night sky starless and cloudy, no light to save her from the darkness closing in on her. Nesta felt her foot catch in an upraised tree root and suddenly she was going down, hitting the ground hard. She tried to get back up, but it was too late. The shadows were already surrounding her, laughing above her with faces both hated and loved, faces she dreaded seeing. There they were: Thomas, the boy who had tried to force himself on her, The King Of Hybern, who had thrown her and Elain into the cauldron, their father whom she had hated and judged as a coward, but in the end had been one of their saviors, Feyre who had fought for them and gave up so much of herself and who had tried to save her over and over again, Elain, sweet, kind Elain, whom she had loved most in this world, who had been broken and now healing and whom she had pushed away, and lastly Cassian, the fierce warrior who had challenged her, who would fight for her. The shadows grabbed her, dragging Nesta into the darkness. She clawed and screamed, but to no avail. There was no running from her demons.  
Nesta jolted up in her bed, drenched in cold sweat, breathing hard and fast, the nightmare still gripping her. Thunder shook the world and suddenly the sounds around her rushed in: the heavy rain banging on the windows, the wind whipping the trees, the howling of the night beasts. She rose from the bed, still shaking and wrapped herself in a dressing gown. Water. She needed water. Nesta went to the small kitchen in Rhysand’s mother’s house- where they have been staying ever since arriving in the Illyrian Camp- and poured herself some. Her hand was still shaking and when she tried to put it down, the glass slipped from her fingers and shattered on the floor.  
“Damn it!” Nesta cursed silently under her breath and then kneeled to pick up the glass shards. She was so focused in avoiding cutting herself that she didn’t sense him approach until Cassian was standing right above her. She didn’t bother looking up as she continued gathering the glass pieces, but stopped when he grabbed her hands gently. The touch was soft, his fingers barely brushing the skin of her wrists, but it was enough to make her meet his hazel eyes. Those beautiful eyes, always shinning with an inner strength, a quiet force like hardened wind. She let the pieces drop to the floor as Cassian led her to the couch, where they sat side by side for some time.  
Nesta let the sense of safety coming from being near him wash over her, her breathing slowing, her body shaking no more. She was tired, so so tired of running, of avoiding her feelings, of being angry. She turned her head to study Cassian’s face in the shy rays of moonlight, coming through the windows despite the rain, and found him looking at her as well. His face was open, his eyes held no judgement, and she found herself giving voice to her thoughts.  
“I hate everyone and everything, but most of all, I hate myself. I’m a coward.” As the words left her mouth, she exploded: her lips started shaking, her body convulsed with the force of her sobs as years of bottling every emotion she felt, hit her like a stone. Tears were running down her cheeks, almost as fast and violently as the rain outside. Then his arms were around her, his chin resting on her forehead, and Nesta curled in on herself and cried as Cassian rocked her gently back and forth, rubbing soothing circles on her back. The walls around her crumbled completely and everything came out of her at once.  
“I was so angry for so many years. On my mother for dying, on my father for losing our fortune and plunging us into poverty, and then doing nothing, on Feyre for being brave and strong and fighting for everyone, on Elain for accepting the changes, on the fact that I’m immortal and now I have forever to leave with my ignorance over my family and all the things I’ve done and said to those who loved me. I am always so angry that I don’t know how to be anything else. Anger has always kept me alive, kept me fighting, going. “ She sniffled, wiping away her tears with the back of her hands, before a new wave spilled over her cheeks. “ When my mother died, I felt awful, sad and hopeless and I wanted it to stop. So I decided to feel angry, and every other emotion I had, I would hide away, ignore it. I don’t let people in because I’m afraid. I’m afraid they will make me feel like my mother did when she died, that I would get to love them, only to lose them. I pushed everyone away, Feyre, Elain, you and your friends because I’m a mess. Because I didn’t want to love them and stop feeling angry. Because I knew that when I did, I will shatter like that glass.” She took a deep breath, the sobs now subsiding. ”I’m tired and I want to be better, I want to love and be loved, but I’m afraid that they would hate who I am and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to apologize, I don’t know how. I don’t know. I don’t know.” A new wave of tears hit her and she tried to hide her face into Cassian’s shoulder but he grabbed her chin and gently tilted her head to meet his eyes.  
“One step at a time. That’s how.” A deep kind of understanding shone in his eyes. ”I know how it is. Having armor so thick that nothing gets through, that you are far away from everyone and it is easier to stay like that. But it with eventually come off if you let it. And there is no way they would not love you. You are amazing.” He wiped away the rest of her tears, his thumbs gliding gently across her cheeks, and then Cassian kissed her forehead gently.  
Nesta wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, her cheek pressed against his chest, breathing in his scent, letting it calm her as he hugged her back. When she pulled away at last, she felt calm in a way she had never felt before, like a giant weight had been lifted off her. Gods, he was beautiful. She has always tried to deny that, but looking at him now, her breath caught in her chest, her hands turned clammy and her heart fluttered. Nesta didn’t bother to think it over, she just acted. Her hands drifted upwards and cupped his face. He went utterly still under her touch, holding her gaze with an invitation so she let her hands wonder. Her fingers traced his strong jaw, gently moving up over his high cheekbones, his dark brows, then as his eyes closed, over his eyelids, his long lashes brushing her thumb. The touches were unhurried, lazy, curious, questions without words and the more her fingers studied him, the brighter burned the fire in her veins. It coursed through her body, lighting every nerve. She let her thumb touch his full lips, tracing it slowly over, watching as his breath hitched and he trembled slowly under her touch. She wanted to remember every inch of his face, to burn this image, this moment in her mind and heart and soul so that whenever the anger overtook her she would have something good to cling to.  
She dropped her hand as Cassian’s eyes opened, glazed and after meeting hers for less than a second, they dropped to her lips. Nesta didn’t know who made the first move, but one moment he was staring at her and the next they were kissing. His mouth was soft but fierce on hers, and she felt herself melt into him. His arms came around her as the kiss deepened and she wanted to stay there forever. In that kiss everything they had never said was conveyed. It was fire and steel, and anger and loss and hope. There it was the thing she had lost a long while ago and never managed to regain. Hope. That quiet light in a world of darkness and raging fire was now shinning once again, filling her chest, her being.  
When they pulled apart at last, foreheads still touching, Nesta smiled her first real smile in ages.


End file.
